nit and grit

perhaps i should tell you what i've been hedging around: things at NB have been difficult and, a couple of weeks ago, erupted in a rather dramatic fashion. instead of coming to talk with me, however, the unhappy teachers (that special breed) went through several others—such that, when i finally did hear about anything (beyond the rampant bad vibes resounding around the place), it was from Randy and Amela in Sarajevo. obviously, there have been many unspoken (and allowed to inflate/distort) expectations about just what i would be able to provide to the kindergarten. what can i say, though, when the self i bring is somewhat shortcoming?

i am neither fluent nor completely incompetent in srpski. the former would, obviously, be desirable for everyone involved but, in the absence of this, the latter would suffice (and justify the ofttimes "no one even bothering to tell me anything" shenanigans). my straddling isn't exactly a problem, except that i am also trying to heave myself from fair-to-middling via language classes, which means that i must actually leave NB (which is, sort of, a problem).

my background is not (despite what you may have thought; i, myself, was momentarily seduced into thinking otherwise, too) in pre-elementary education. when i ought to have been reading about how to love and nurture (were i going to pursue the vocational course i seem to be steered upon) young and unformed minds, i was doing harder—i mean, more Nietzschean—things. although i would still still claim that he has a better grasp of true compassion, there are some practical limits to this view. there is also a difference between playing dress-ups and reading with cousins (who are, by now, used to my taciturn and abrupt ways), and being qualified to teach kids between the ages of 3 and 7, who do not know me and are (reasonably) skeptical of both myself and my even halting-er than normal manner of speaking.

finally, it has come down to certain "personality" issues, which also have bearing in a cultural sphere. my nagging awareness has become realised: there is no place for an introvert (or whatever you want to call this jumble of qualities: independent, self-sufficient, quiet, measured in response) in a society which sees all of these things as liabilities. i've already mentioned this, i believe—skirting the edges, and with my being young and female thrown into the mix. for whatever reason (i shall desist from jumping off the deep end into psychological renditions of history), there is a strong, nearly palpable, bias against those who are not effusive, who act without talking about their actions, and who, at the end of the day (or before it), need to withdraw. or go to language class.

that some eruption was more or less bound to happen has made the prodigious picking up of pieces that has been my main (pre)occupation for the past two weeks only slightly more manageable (and, in other ways, further complicating). through a great screwing of courage and facial muscles, i seem to have stumbled upon a means whereby to collect some scraps of credibility around NB. yes, indeed, i will be insanely friendly, bustling, and overdrawn.

despite the fact that this has achieved incredible (by comparison, at least) success at NB to such a degree that no one there seemed to think it necessary for me to go and do so, Randy and Amela also asked that i come to Sarajevo to discuss the matters with them. in our meeting this morning, we agreed upon another strategy, namely: a self-taught crash-course in child-development, borrowed-booked and in spare-time.

never for a minute did i doubt that the experience of being here (and here and here) would be difficult, but i have found that it is taxing in all of the ways for which i did not prepare (and, some of them, could have, had i known what it would entail). i do not shrink from exertion (and will not, now) but, admittedly, i'm a whole lot better when the effort involves the straining, weathering of soul and body by the elements and all things abstemious—instead of by concessions to superficiality and social convention.